Thursday, December 23, 2010

Pump start date!

Well, we finally have a pump start date - January 7th. Luckily our endo lets us jump right to insulin if we feel comfortable, so we don't have to do a saline trial. I am getting very excited and can't wait to start.

Since Adam's surgery, his numbers have been all over the place and I haven't been able to get things back to the "normal" that they were before. I guess that's just diabetes. ::shrug::

I still feel like this is all a dream I am going to wake up from. I read your blogs…I identify, I relate and then I sit back and go whoa…this is me. This is my life. This is HIS life. He has a disease. It is not going away. And I still can’t fucking believe it. I had a great talk with a friend last night and I think I haven't quite reached the acceptance stage yet.

All I want for Christmas is to feel normal again. I want to go back to the person I was 4 months ago. No one likes the person I am now, least of all me. I am changed. Our family is changed. And while in the future, I may see some things as a blessing, I don’t feel as if we are changed for the better and that hurts.

Parenting is the single thing that brings me to my knees on a daily basis. Even before Adam’s diagnosis, you walk around each day as a parent, wondering how you are going to screw them up that day.

Parenting a diabetic child and his sibling is even harder. I know you all understand.

So, with that, I am looking forward to the new year. I am ready to bid good riddance to this year and I am praying that I will be able to find my new self this next year. And hopefully I'll like that person a whole lot more than I like this one.


  1. Stephanie...please don't be so hard on yourself. It took me a year and a half to get my "mojo" back. I was somewhat depressed for me...I have always been a positive person...ALWAYS...when this happened I lost my spark, I was pissed, I felt alone...for a long time. I hope 2011 brings you to a new place, but if not...know that it is OK takes us all different amounts of time to cope, to accept, to move on to our new normal that isn't fucking "normal". Love you. AND Merry Christmas and Happy 2011.

  2. First yay for pumping! We didnt do a saline trial with either pump. And it was fine! We are all here to help as much as we can!

    This disease is not normal. Its never easy to see your child suffer and your family have to adjust to this beast. BUUUUUT I do believe in your own time you will learn to accept it and find silver linings.

    I have learned people still care. people want to help.
    There are good people left in this world. Just as I lost my faith in that I found the DOC.

    I wish a wonderful new year and bless xmas!

  3. Hoping that 2011 will bring you the peace you so desire, but like Reyna said... don't be too hard on yourself. Two and a half years later I still have "I can't believe this is our life" moments, but they are fewer and farther between.

    You will gt there, but in your own time.

    Merry Christmas!

  4. Hi Stephanie! Like you, I pray I find my new self in 2011 as well.

    I'm so happy that you have a date set for the pump. We love pumping.

    Still working out the levels--and I know that will take a while, especially with Christmas tossed into the mix.'s worth it.

    You're going to do awesome!!! Can't wait to get to know you better in the new year!

  5. YAY FOR THE PUMP! It's very exciting, I know :)

    Going on 6 years....while accepting this life seems natural now, I continue to struggle with the person I face in the mirror every day.

    Much love, many hugs, Merry Christmas and CHEERS to 2011!

  6. Congrats on the pump start day set! I can completely relate to your stress and feelings of wanting our old 'normal' back...I am just over 2 1/2 years into our d journey and I am still finding my way. I have good days and bad, I think it just goes without saying I guess but it does get better. Hang in there my friend, (((hugs))).

    I hope that 2011 brings you many blessings!