Tuesday, June 12, 2012

It's always there...

Lately it seems like I haven't complained much about diabetes on my blog. I really, really try not to make it the focus of our lives, but lately I'm finding the irritation and anxiety about it all creeping back in.

Adam's numbers haven't been so great since school got out and I'm not sure what it is....basal? Change in activity? Too much grazing? Just your basic unpredictability.

And I like predictability.

Which is pretty hilarious, since diabetes is the one disease that is anything BUT predictable, right?

I need to buckle down and do some logging. Some basal testing. Some changing of what goes in that kid's mouth. But I'm tired. I want a break. I don't want to think about it.

People ask if we want to go spend a day at the waterpark and they see me hesitate...it's not because I don't want to go...I do! But the WORK involved in keeping Adam safe there is just too exhausting to me to think about. I know he will have a blast, but he will resent my hovering, the juice-pushing, and constant finger-pricking.

It's not even just that....its EVERYTHING. I read Hallie's post yesterday and as I read it I kept thinking, "yes...yes...YES!" That is how I am feeling.

"Diabetes is like throwing a pebble into a pond.  The ripples go on and on and on...

And it's hard because most of the people who were in your life BEFORE don't see all those ripples.  They can't comprehend how those ripples end up touching every part of your life.

Those ripples push you out into the middle of the pond.  And it's lonely there. 

You had a life back on the shore but when you look back that seems like so long ago you really can't remember it.  And you're different now anyway."

There are so many things I'd love to do. School, perhaps a job, a vacation with my husband...things that before diabetes would not have been a problem. I mean, if the idea of planning for a waterpark visit makes me exhausted, how in the world would I do any of those other things?

I think a lot of people don't realize what a huge responsibility it is to be the parent of a child with diabetes. You are not only responsible for guiding, teaching and nurturing them into good people...but you have the added pressure of keeping them alive every single day.  And it's all up to you to make sure he goes into adulthood with a healthy body and able to go on the rest of his life taking care of himself.

I am blessed that I do have a wonderful circle of friends that understand (or most definitely try to understand) what we go through. Even two years into this, I have friends who will sometimes stop and say, "dang...this is a lot of work!" But as I was explaining how Adam's pump works in detail to a new-ish friend the other day...I just got tired. I didn't want to explain it anymore. After 2 years of it, I am done.

So while yes...things are going well, sometimes I start to wallow again and get really, really, really irritated by diabetes' presence in our lives. 


  1. I know what you mean about all the effort. I've spent the last few days feeding sugar all day. And that at night working to keep sugar down. And I know I should probably work on readjusting, but there's so many variables and then it all changes.

  2. I so get it. It's just so tiring. Sometimes I love it when people ask questions and are generally interested when I explain, but lately more often, I'm just tired of explaining....and hearing the same questions from people. I hesitate when people ask us to go places too....mostly it is when we are asked to go out to eat with someone. I hate always having to use that as an excuse. Restaurants - the carb guessing, the perfect timing for her shots, then the ultimate highs and extra shot from eating out...it's just not always worth it to me. I am so in the same place you are....just wish it could be easier. Love and hugs to you.

  3. "yes...yes...YES!" We just had our first seasonal wacko BG fest for my younger that forced me to make the adjustments. I've increased insulin 30% over the last two weeks and the average is still only 170. First time in a long time my eyes filled with tears. Yep, tired. Waterpark...phffft. What was it Scarlett said?

  4. I am sure its exhausting! I think your amazing though though all of it!

  5. i hear ya...i hate the ebb and flow of the emotions that go with this life....definitely exhausting

  6. It is indescribable...the "ripple effect" that diabetes has in our lives. Chin up girl. You and Adam are doing it AND you are doing it WELL!