It's always there...

Lately it seems like I haven't complained much about diabetes on my blog. I really, really try not to make it the focus of our lives, but lately I'm finding the irritation and anxiety about it all creeping back in.

Adam's numbers haven't been so great since school got out and I'm not sure what it is....basal? Change in activity? Too much grazing? Just your basic unpredictability.

And I like predictability.

Which is pretty hilarious, since diabetes is the one disease that is anything BUT predictable, right?

I need to buckle down and do some logging. Some basal testing. Some changing of what goes in that kid's mouth. But I'm tired. I want a break. I don't want to think about it.

People ask if we want to go spend a day at the waterpark and they see me hesitate...it's not because I don't want to go...I do! But the WORK involved in keeping Adam safe there is just too exhausting to me to think about. I know he will have a blast, but he will resent my hovering, the juice-pushing, and constant finger-pricking.

It's not even just that....its EVERYTHING. I read Hallie's post yesterday and as I read it I kept thinking, "yes...yes...YES!" That is how I am feeling.

"Diabetes is like throwing a pebble into a pond.  The ripples go on and on and on...

And it's hard because most of the people who were in your life BEFORE don't see all those ripples.  They can't comprehend how those ripples end up touching every part of your life.

Those ripples push you out into the middle of the pond.  And it's lonely there. 

You had a life back on the shore but when you look back that seems like so long ago you really can't remember it.  And you're different now anyway."

There are so many things I'd love to do. School, perhaps a job, a vacation with my husband...things that before diabetes would not have been a problem. I mean, if the idea of planning for a waterpark visit makes me exhausted, how in the world would I do any of those other things?

I think a lot of people don't realize what a huge responsibility it is to be the parent of a child with diabetes. You are not only responsible for guiding, teaching and nurturing them into good people...but you have the added pressure of keeping them alive every single day.  And it's all up to you to make sure he goes into adulthood with a healthy body and able to go on the rest of his life taking care of himself.

I am blessed that I do have a wonderful circle of friends that understand (or most definitely try to understand) what we go through. Even two years into this, I have friends who will sometimes stop and say, "dang...this is a lot of work!" But as I was explaining how Adam's pump works in detail to a new-ish friend the other day...I just got tired. I didn't want to explain it anymore. After 2 years of it, I am done.

So while yes...things are going well, sometimes I start to wallow again and get really, really, really irritated by diabetes' presence in our lives.