I was reading my blog entries from last December:
I still feel like this is all a dream I am going to wake up from. I read your blogs…I identify, I relate and then I sit back and go whoa…this is me. This is my life. This is HIS life. He has a disease. It is not going away. And I still can’t fucking believe it. I had a great talk with a friend last night and I think I haven't quite reached the acceptance stage yet.
All I want for Christmas is to feel normal again. I want to go back to the person I was 4 months ago. No one likes the person I am now, least of all me. I am changed. Our family is changed. And while in the future, I may see some things as a blessing, I don’t feel as if we are changed for the better and that hurts.
Parenting is the single thing that brings me to my knees on a daily basis. Even before Adam’s diagnosis, you walk around each day as a parent, wondering how you are going to screw them up that day.
Parenting a diabetic child and his sibling is even harder. I know you all understand.
Do I feel any different this December? I suppose a little bit. I'm not mourning (as much) what was lost. The fact that my 5 year old will never know life without insulin, will never not bolus before eating...will always carry this burden with him until a cure is found. I pray and hope he doesn't grow up seeing it as a burden, but I know there will be times that he feels it is.
I was reading Wendy's blog post from today, and got a pit in the bottom of my stomach at the thought of sending Adam off to a playdate, 20 minutes away....with someone who knows nothing about diabetes care. And she did it! She trusted Sugar, and wow....my hope is that I can do that someday too. :)
Some things are different for the better this year. I have a full year of d-care under my belt. I've become a master at guessing carb counts. I know how to navigate Adam's pumps and I can do a site change in no time flat (which will be even faster with OmniPod!) But I still stress that I don't know enough. When to change his I:C ratios...basal rates. I've learned to ask for help. I email his endo when I'm lost...we try, try, and try again until we see some semblance of "normal" numbers.
I still bristle when people ask if his diabetes is "under control." I get tired of explaining over and over and over again that YES he can have candy, we just have to cover the carbs with insulin. That NO he did NOT "get" diabetes from eating poorly, that it's an auto-immune disease that was in no way his fault.
I'll make a little d-mom confession here...one of the reasons I'm excited about the OmniPod is for the same reason Adam is excited: no one will know. And if no one will know? Then I won't have to explain over and over and over again...
And to close out this random, highly scattered post...I just want to send a shout out to all the d-mamas out there. I have learned MORE from you all than all the doctors we've ever seen. When we need supplies? This community is there to share what they have when others need them. I'm continually amazed at the wonderful generosity and spirit that we all share. ((hugs))