Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Listening to the Little Voices.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

— Mary Anne Radmacher
I am totally stealing this quote from Joanne. In fact, her post about "One more thing" gave me the courage to write this post. 

I have been a ball of stress for the last month. 

Okay, let's be honest, I was a mess for a good few months before that

My hair is falling out in clumps and breaking off. 

I can't sleep through the night. 

I'm not taking care of myself. 

My kids are not getting the best of me. 

That One More Thing that put me over the edge? School for me. 
 
I withdrew from my Biology course this morning. I listened to that little voice in my head that said, "This is too much." And you know what? Pushing the "submit" button on the "drop a class" screen felt like a 50 lb. weight had been lifted from my chest.
 
I feel like I jumped the gun. I thought could be a rock star and handle it all. 

I also feel like science may not be for me. Let's face it... I have a degree in English Literature. I am a right-brained girl all the way. I had to work way too hard for the mediocre grades I was getting. Perhaps I didn't give it a chance. But I think that deep-down, I know that this may not be the path I was meant to be on right now.

I need to remember that what may be perceived by some as "quitting" is actually that little bit of courage in the background, allowing myself to say, "this is too much and I just can't do it right now." And honestly, I am okay with that. I am going to make mistakes, fail, try new things, decide they aren't for me. Like I told a good friend earlier today, in the past I would have kept going to class, hating every second of it, and making myself and everyone around me miserable because I was afraid to be perceived as a quitter. 

Maybe I am pulling the diabetes card. But pancreating a 5 year-old is a full-time job, and it doesn't take a break. I had to leave class about 4 times in the last month, because of d-issues at school.  Yeah, it sucked that my classes were at exactly the same time as his lunch and recess, but that's when most of the "d" action happened. 

Joanne pondered in her post:

"Sometimes I wonder if diabetes wasn't on my plate, would these things bug me so much? Is it that diabetes has worn me down to a point that I can't deal with issues in other areas of my life? I'm not sure."

I'm not sure either. I can't honestly discern how much an effect diabetes has had on my life, because I'm in the thick of it every day. There are so few people who understand the constant-ness of diabetes, and I'm quite sure I come off as a whiner to some in my life who aren't privy to what it's really like. To hold your child's life in your hands each day is a powerful, scary, overwhelming feeling. A feeling that is there EVERY DAY because of the insulin that we dose our children with.

That is the focus of my life right now.  And that is okay. I am okay with that. I am going to focus what time I do have on myself, volunteering at the kids' school and enjoying every second of it.

12 comments:

  1. you made the right choice for you right now, and i am so glad to read of your relief, that's how you know it was the right thing to do. enjoy that volunteering while you can! i dropped something off at L's school today and she wanted me to skate out of there ASAP!

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  2. I so understand. Last year, I began taking graphic design classes, which is something I've always wanted to do. After one semester, I had to stop. It was too much. Like you, I felt relieved when I was done.

    Here's to less stress in your life!

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  3. congrats on trying to de-stress your life! I too sometimes feel like a whiner to people in my life that don't live with diabetes. It's such a horribly feeling! I'm glad you are doing what will make you and your family happy :o)

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  4. Wo-Freakin-Hoo...that takes some huge balls to push the submit button Steph. It is a full time job...pancreating for our kiddos. There is no shame in keeping your plate manageable. Love to you. Chin up girl...chin up...you are a ROCK STAR.

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  5. Sounds like it was the right decision - you can always tell when that weight lifts. And, remember, even though you only did the course for a month, you still know more than you did before. Not necessarily more about biology but more about what the course requires which means when you revisit the decision in a couple of years you will make a better decision than you would have otherwise. So don't beat yourself up - call it a lesson learned and focus on what you do need to do right now. Taking care of your family... AND yourself. The hair falling out thing is worrying me... remember, if you aren't taking care of yourself, you can't take care of Adam.

    (((HUGS)))
    Kristina

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  6. Congrats on having the courage to do what is right for you and your family, and for sharing your struggles with the rest of us. Hepls me to feel more human!

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  7. Mari in Santa Ana, CaliforniaSeptember 14, 2011 at 9:16 AM

    You made the right decision. It's very hard to take care of our children with diabetes and unless you live it every day others will never ever fully grasp the overwhelming feeling of holding your childs life in your hands. We worry that others think were quitters and whiners but in the end...we have to be courages and not worry about anything but our family. God Bless you!

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  8. Stephanie, I am proud of you for making such a tough decision...that did take a lot of guts to hit that submit button. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you've been doing. You've been quiet on facebook, so I figured you were super busy with school. You deserve some time just for you...this is a big year of adjustment with both kids being in school. My Dr. actually told me I had to start taking time for myself....my body was starting to wear out from all the stress of last year. Love to you!

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  9. I am so proud of you!! I know how hard the decision must have been, but you did it! I pray that God helps you find balance. I know I need tha too. Love you.

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  10. You are right, dropping a class takes a lot of courage, it is not a sign of quitting! Good for you for doing what you needed to do. Us D-moms don't need added stress especially if it is something we can control. :-)

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  11. Girl, I know how you feel!! I'd filled out all my paperwork (seven pages of autobiographical sketch too--hard!!), to go back to school again..but never submitted it. It's just not the right time..and if I'm this stressed without classes, how on Earth would I do MORE???
    Smart girl, listen to your heart. The time will come, but it's just not now. Being a pancreas is a full-time job. Just breathe if you get a few extra minutes (instead of finding something new to do!) : )
    Love you, girl! : )
    ps-I didn't forget your bedding, I'm just a little busy with the Walk! : ) Hugs!! HOlly

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  12. You are so awesome Steph. It was probably more difficult in a way to drop the class than to stay in it, but it sounds like you made the right decision. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Just had to say that again. And I will again. And again. Hugs to you friend!

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