I have attempted to blog so many times in the last few weeks, even crafted entries in my head, but never got the mojo to put fingers to keyboard. I think I have needed a little break these last few weeks - settling into school for the kids and getting used to our new routine.
Also? I haven't wanted to think about diabetes all that much lately. I don't want to read about it, I don't want to do any research and...if I'm really going to be honest here, I wasn't even planning on doing our JDRF Walk this year. (But never fear, we are going to walk. It may just be a few of us, and we won't have fancy t-shirts and thousands of dollars raised, but we will be there.) I'll go ahead and admit that I feel like I am not doing enough when it comes to advocacy, but it's just not something I can focus on right now. Sometimes I just want to crawl into my own little world and pretend that diabetes doesn't exist.
But, that is not reality. So, I avoid all the "other stuff" while continuing to do my daily diabetes duties. (Damn, I love alliteration.)
I will admit I cried a bit today. Sometimes it's the silliest little things that get to me. Yesterday it was the fact that I had to pull Adam out of school to see his eye doc, and he was MAD. He was so pissed that he was missing school. And then? An hour later I had to run back because his contact lens was bothering him and I had to take it out.
I just wanted to scream. Why can't this kid just enjoy life and stay in his classroom all day like the other kids? Not only does he have to leave for diabetes, but for his eye as well (we are transitioning to a new contact lens and the fit isn't right....so we are having issues.)
And today, it was two little words - high risk. It was just a passing comment from our health assistant in reference to his care, but when she said, "Well, Adam is the most high risk student we have here, so he is our priority" it made me tear up. I LOVE the fact that they take such good care of him, but it was really hard for some reason to hear the words "high risk" and "Adam" in the same sentence.
Other than those little things, life has been busy but good. I am happy being home for my kids - baking cooking, doing homework, volunteering at the school. I'm co-chairing our school's Book Fair in a few weeks and I'm feeling fulfilled.
Oh! I almost forgot...I have a giveaway that I need to plan! So that will get me back here in the next week or so. Stay tuned. :)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.
— Mary Anne Radmacher
I am totally stealing this quote from Joanne. In fact, her post about "One more thing" gave me the courage to write this post.
I have been a ball of stress for the last month.
Okay, let's be honest, I was a mess for a good few months before that
My hair is falling out in clumps and breaking off.
I can't sleep through the night.
I'm not taking care of myself.
My kids are not getting the best of me.
That One More Thing that put me over the edge? School for me.
I withdrew from my Biology course this morning. I listened to that little voice in my head that said, "This is too much." And you know what? Pushing the "submit" button on the "drop a class" screen felt like a 50 lb. weight had been lifted from my chest.
I feel like I jumped the gun. I thought could be a rock star and handle it all.
I also feel like science may not be for me. Let's face it... I have a degree in English Literature. I am a right-brained girl all the way. I had to work way too hard for the mediocre grades I was getting. Perhaps I didn't give it a chance. But I think that deep-down, I know that this may not be the path I was meant to be on right now.
I need to remember that what may be perceived by some as "quitting" is actually that little bit of courage in the background, allowing myself to say, "this is too much and I just can't do it right now." And honestly, I am okay with that. I am going to make mistakes, fail, try new things, decide they aren't for me. Like I told a good friend earlier today, in the past I would have kept going to class, hating every second of it, and making myself and everyone around me miserable because I was afraid to be perceived as a quitter.
Maybe I am pulling the diabetes card. But pancreating a 5 year-old is a full-time job, and it doesn't take a break. I had to leave class about 4 times in the last month, because of d-issues at school. Yeah, it sucked that my classes were at exactly the same time as his lunch and recess, but that's when most of the "d" action happened.
Joanne pondered in her post:
"Sometimes I wonder if diabetes wasn't on my plate, would these things bug me so much? Is it that diabetes has worn me down to a point that I can't deal with issues in other areas of my life? I'm not sure."
I'm not sure either. I can't honestly discern how much an effect diabetes has had on my life, because I'm in the thick of it every day. There are so few people who understand the constant-ness of diabetes, and I'm quite sure I come off as a whiner to some in my life who aren't privy to what it's really like. To hold your child's life in your hands each day is a powerful, scary, overwhelming feeling. A feeling that is there EVERY DAY because of the insulin that we dose our children with.
That is the focus of my life right now. And that is okay. I am okay with that. I am going to focus what time I do have on myself, volunteering at the kids' school and enjoying every second of it.